Sunday, February 28, 2010

If a Chicken is Friendly and Other Thoughts


  • If people have to tell you they have a good sense of humor, they don't.
  • If a guy leads with, "now I'm not the brightest guy", he isn't, but he wants you to tell him he is.
  • If a woman says, "I used to be quite the looker", she wants you to affirm that she still is.
  • If anyone admits they sometimes have a flatulence problem, believe them.
  • If a man (other than my father) says he's just a simple redneck, he is.
  • If you have a Ph.D., you are ineligible for redneck consideration, no matter how cool you think it is Dad.
  • If someone tells a racist joke, I have no sense of humor.
  • If people claim to be safe drivers, remember that 9 out of 10 drivers think the same thing, but 8 out of 10 drivers will get in an accident in their lifetime.
  • If anyone tells you they are pretty laid back or easy going, there's a good chance they are more uptight than they know.
  • If people like to talk mostly about themselves, they have no idea how truly boring they are (but they make a good salesperson).
  • If anyone feels it necessary to tell you they are good at something without being asked, they're insecure about how good they really are.
  • If someone doesn't seem to talk much, consider they're probably not being aloof and could just be shy. Either that or you give them the creeps.
  • If a dog seems very friendly, it is. Dogs don't lie.
  • If a dog seems very nervous around you, be nervous.
  • If a cat seems very friendly, it could be like that all the time, or it could be manipulating you for its own personal pleasure.
  • If a chicken seems very friendly, it wants you to feed it.



3 comments:

  1. If a man (other than my father) says he's just a simple redneck, he is.
    If you have a Ph.D., you are ineligible for redneck consideration, no matter how cool you think it is Dad.


    My favourite ones.

    If someone tells a racist joke, I have no sense of humor.

    Racist joke?! That reminds me: A racecar driver walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.” The racecar driver says, “Yeah I know. It’s driving me nuts!”

    If a dog seems very friendly, it is. Dogs don't lie.

    Unless he is humping your leg, then you might prefer him to be lying (or maybe just sitting).

    If a chicken seems very friendly, it wants you to feed it.

    If I see a friendly chicken, I am likely to want the same thing it wants.

    See you can fill in the blank on this one:

    If your sister tells you that you are weird, then…

    OR

    If your sister tells you she has taken up breeding Maine Coon kitties, then you should...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who in the name of all that's good could possibly be the father of these two?!

    ReplyDelete