If a Chicken is Friendly and Other Thoughts

• If people have to tell you they have a good sense of humor, they don't.
• If a guy leads with, "now I'm not the brightest guy", he isn't, but he wants you to tell him he is.
• If a woman says, "I used to be quite the looker", she wants you to affirm that she still is.
• If anyone admits they sometimes have a flatulence problem, believe them.
• If a man (other than my father) says he's just a simple redneck, he is.
• If you have a Ph.D., you are ineligible for redneck consideration, no matter how cool you think it is Dad.
• If someone tells a racist joke, I have no sense of humor.
• If people claim to be safe drivers, remember that 9 out of 10 drivers think the same thing, but 8 out of 10 drivers will get in an accident in their lifetime.
• If anyone tells you they are pretty laid back or easy going, there's a good chance they are more uptight than they know.
• If people like to talk mostly about themselves, they have no idea how truly boring they are (but they make a good salesperson).
• If anyone feels it necessary to tell you they are good at something without being asked, they're insecure about how good they really are.
• If someone doesn't seem to talk much, consider they're probably not being aloof and could just be shy. Either that or you give them the creeps.
• If a dog seems very friendly, it is. Dogs don't lie.
• If a dog seems very nervous around you, be nervous.
• If a cat seems very friendly, it could be like that all the time, or it could be manipulating you for its own personal pleasure.
• If a chicken seems very friendly, it wants you to feed it.