Howardisms Part Two

To read the prequel to this, please see my previous blog, He's Not Proud, He's My Brother.


I’d hire a maid for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Turn my head when you’re weighed for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d eat something you made for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
I’d get a cat spayed for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Say you looked good in suede for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Listen to your tirade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)

By howard on Prove Your Love by Doing Something Meaningful to a... on 3/5/11

My brother and me (after I forgot to put sunscreen on my chest at the beach)

When you picture a "stereotypical cat lady", what do you see? A grandmotherly type, fat and frumpy, bra less perhaps, softly curled gray hair and a bit daft in the head. Let me see now. You are a grandmother. Your hair is curly and there are few gray hairs there. You have the potential to be a full-fledged cat lady. It's good to have goals.

By howard on Cat Ladies on 2/23/11


A woman wears her FMP's*, looks good, her rear sticks out, she can't walk very fast and her feet hurt, but the men come a running just like a tom cat. It sounds very romantic. In retrospect, I am sure Jay now realizes one of the early signs that you would become a cat breeder.

By howard on Thanksgiving Day Kittens on 12/8/10


My kids and husband are well-trained in reluctant cat holding. The cat is reluctant, or the kids and husband are reluctant? My guess is all of the above. For cats such as Bubba, the less brave may find that wrapping the cat in a towel or blanket to contain him may be a safer solution. Or dressing him stylishly as in your picture. Of course, with a name like Bubba, I would expect a nice, cold one with BBQ brisket would probably calm him down better than a towel.
By howard on Paws and Claws Part Two on 10/20/10

Clean the chimney!
Clean the chimney, step in time
Clean the chimney, step in time
Never need a reason, Never need a rhyme
Clean the chimney, step in time

Chop the woodpile!
Chop the woodpile, step in time
Chop the woodpile, step in time
Never need a reason, Never need a rhyme
Chop the woodpile, step in time

Write a story! Write a story, step in time
Write a story, step in time
Never need a reason, Never need a rhyme
Write a story, step in time

Admit you’re a grandma!
Admit you’re a grandma, step in time
Admit you’re a grandma, step in time
Never need a reason, Never need a rhyme
Admit you’re a grandma, step in time

By howard on The Mysterious Sandcastle on 10/5/10


…and my perpetually red, runny nose. Add that image to a girl who already had enormous buck teeth and you have a little Sharon. Let’s not forget little Sharon’s winning personality. A few tips for dealing with allergies I've learned over the years rather than moving to Arizona and living a life of misery without animals: Hey! My move to Arizona had nothing to do with allergies. Not only that but we have 2 vicious, man-eating parakeets and a cute, little, man-eating hamster living with us in Arizona.

By howard on Allergic to Cats? on 9/14/10


Given that Boom Boom had gotten up to 18 pounds, about a 5-pound gain, I was slightly disappointed, but have learned that just because a cat has lots of room for babies doesn't mean she'll fill up that space. This is not surprising. Studies have shown that cats make very poor home decorators.

By howard on Finn the Bonus Boy on 8/19/10


With apologies to John Denver: It'd hold three kids 'n' one hound dog and a chicken we stole from the pen Didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun in Jay's grandkids' tent

By howard on Camping 101 - Stay In The House on 7/8/10


Eek! Under all that fur Sassy is naked! I'm going to have to hide this blog from the kids! "Maybe if you shave yourself Mom, you won't look as fat either." Have you stopped shaving? If so, do you use one of those seam rippers to get rid of your mats? It would allow you to feel closer to your cats to have that shared experience.

By howard on Fat and Sassy No More on 7/6/10


I threatened the chickens with the fryer for slacking off, but they just laughed at me. This surly behavior is the reason why chickens don't get animal agents for media exposure like the cats do. Is it any wonder KFC used Colonel Sanders as their spokesman instead of a chicken? I had also intended to dispute the false statement made on Animal Planet that if a cat has an "M" on its forehead, it's a Maine Coon, but I forgot in my nervousness. There is a whole branch of Animal Planet-endorsed cat vendors selling cats as Maine Coons, after applying an "M" with a permanent marker to a feline forehead, that breathed a sigh of relief.

By howard on Kitty Spotlight on 6/14/10

What I notice is that when the chicken coop is in the sun, there are chickens outside. When the chicken coop is in the shade, there are no chickens outside. I attribute this phenomenon to these possible reasons:

a. Thanks to the shade, the chickens think it is night time all the time and are asleep.
b. The chickens are cool enough inside the coop to kick back and watch the finale of Lost on their big screen HGTV without sweating.
c. The chickens realize that they take better pictures without those awful shadows across their little chicken faces.
d. The chickens have become camera shy from being photographed so often for this Blog entry.
e. Green is a chicken's least favorite color. I know it is my least favorite color on chicken I eat, so why shouldn't it be for a chicken as well?

By howard on The Greening of Connecticut on 5/25/10


It's nice to see you have posted such a flattering picture of the birthday boy. He is rocking that bed head look. As for the recipe, the tradition involves cooking the cat with sprigs of thyme. That way, if you find the kitty being cooked you can rescue it just in thyme. Kelsey should be careful with her remarks though. It might kill her career as a chef. Beppe Bigazzi on the Italian cooking show La Prova del Cuoco, was dropped from the show after offering up a recipe for stewed cat.

By howard on Jay's Birthday Letter and a Recipe for Cat Stew on 5/17/10


As I sipped the plastic cup of champagne someone handed me, I looked at my handsome boy. I thought they gave the winner a bottle of milk. Was he jaded by all the attention? No, he humped his favorite blue fleece blanket then promptly laid down and fell asleep. He was probably exhausted from having to suck in his head to keep his ears aloft all day.

By howard on My Best Cat Show on 5/3/10

With names like Righty and Tighty, does this mean Lefty and Loosy will be among the names for the new chicks? I hope so. Then you could come visit the new chicks and say, "Loosy, I'm home!"

By howard on Eggprints on 3/23/10


Mother Nature hatches 50% boys whereas humans really only need about 10% to keep flock harmony and proper procreation going. The first time I read this I thought you were making some off-hand comment about the percentage of men who were necessary. However, allow me to be offended on behalf of male chickenkind.

By howard on Your Face on 3/15/10